I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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