you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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