GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
