I want to stick my p in your. b.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
