I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
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Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
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Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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