i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
