Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
