I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
