he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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