i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
