If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
please come you make the beer taste better
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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