when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
