Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
