he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
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You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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