Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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