just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
