she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
