I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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