Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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