this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
