It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
