just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
