Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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