I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
