Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
