I'm eating all of the evidence.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
