i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
