Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
