Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
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WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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