Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I love you.
Bad choice
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