I smell stomach acid.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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