a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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