I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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