My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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