i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
