So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Boobs speak an international language.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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