So drunk its hurt
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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