he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
