Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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