my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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