so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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