***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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