How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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