you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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