I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
