there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
