piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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