I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i barfeds in our rink
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
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I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
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He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?