So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.