Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.