Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
