I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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