watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
