Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
