The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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