You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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